BTW – The Roast

Turned out I would’ve been better than some of those folks…not like I’m looking to quit my day job, just have skills honed over years of family-based bantering and battering that I’m polishing over time at Faire.

The other comic, didn’t bat an eye…nice poker face, man.

A Roast Where I May Get Grilled

The Comic is having a roast for his birthday this weekend, he asked me to go and so go I shall. I even managed to pull together a cool gift, well, I think it’s cool, but what do *I* know?

I was checking my Facebook page and noticed he’d posted something about his roast, I take a peek, low and behold, he’s getting smack-talked by another comic who pinged my on-line dating profile…the one who never answered my perfectly valid question.

http://datingcreepysux.blogspot.com/2011/04/am-i-funny-looking.html

He’ll be at the roast, this will NOT be awkward at all.

Another First Date...Where I Was Fancy Loose and Foot Free

So I went out on another first date, this is the first, first date where the venue was quiet enough to talk, sitting outside a vegan restaurant in Studio City in the evening.  It was a little cold outside after awhile, but I had a wonderful time chatting with him.  We closed the restaurant and headed to an Irish pub, which ended up being more noisy as 10 minutes after we sat down a live band started playing.

Now, he was a little younger than I was looking to date – 30 years old….makes me feel a little bit skeevy, but not *that* much, apparently.  He was well spoken and employed, which is something I like in a guy. He had a spectacular sense of humor and actually verbally sparred with me, which was both shocking and very welcome.

Now, since I use pseudonyms for people, what would I call him?  No-Foot Guy, yup, this guy had no feet, that is to say he had prosthetics.  How did that play into things, well, other than the limp and the rough drive (I compare it to me trying to drive in those big boots I often wear), it really didn’t.  Oh, my co-workers and family really let me (or him really) have it…and yes, I snickered to myself when I peered over his shoulder at dinner and saw a billboard for Footloose.

My parents asked me if I had considered the cruelty of my family with their incessant teasing, when going out with this guy, as unlike most people my family wouldn’t let it go….30 years from now I’d still hear about his no-feet having situation.  Oh well…you have to take people as they are (yes, I’m referring to my family here).

That being said, I would go out with him again.  He was really fun, smart and funny…so that means he’ll probably not want to go out with me again.  From what he’s told me, he travels frequently for work and hasn’t been in SoCal for more than two days in a row since our date on the 17^th of September – and in my active imagination he’s got girls stashed all over the globe (because if I was a man, that’s what I would do)…so I’m not sure if I’d even have the opportunity to go out again.

My favorite thing about signing up for dating sites is the automatic spam generation for OTHER dating sites. 

BlackPeopleMeet and Over50Meet – I don’t think I’m the demographic for which you’re looking.

Really?

Wow...WTF!!?!   I'm so charmed!

I guess it's nice to know you'll go down, but really??  How in the world could I take you seriously.

Open Letter to Men In General

I realize that having an on-line dating profile is a way of encapsulating all your hopes and dreams into one place, the ideal of ideals….what would you love….HOWEVER

If you’re 45 years old it’s really a bad time to think about “starting” your family.  Especially you guys who think it’s fun to put  Children (4), really!!!   Who are you, Tony Randall?

Love,

Creepy

The Six Month Mark

Six months on Match looks something like this, when it’s only rough figures you care about.

Weekly

Monthly

It doesn’t look bad, however, when I tell you that after six months I’ve only been out with four people and two of those was a single date and then "no thanks," it’s really kind of sad. 

Guess it boils down to “the people I’m generally interested aren’t interested in me, the people interested in my I’m generally not interested in” or so it would seem.

*sigh*  such is life...onward, upward...and always twirling, twirling towards the future.

Can I just say that I think it’s a bit weird that no matter which new dating site I try someone I already know pops up in my search criteria.

It is really a small world…and apparently lonely too.

Yes I did….

I, in fact, did entitle an email “Djinn No Chaser,” for a user with the name who has prosthetic feet.

What?

Oh, you know you love me.

Had A Birthday

That means I’ve now fallen out of some people’s search criteria.

Mazel Tov

Yes, in fact, I do assume every man is gay and/or in a relationship.

So, no, I will not make the first move.

Fortune favors the bold, guys, and I know I’m easy to read.

That is all.

Look, I'm Trending Upwards!

The red line is the average line.

JDate - Best User Names

Hands down, JDate has the best user names I’ve seen:

JewCBuns

NewYidInTown

KosherKreme

NewJewInTown

JewGotMe

How Does JDate See Me?

Yes, even JDate thinks I'm a Do-Gooder, rule follower...ah well, just can't change my spots I guess.

Jewtopia

Yes, yes I did join JDate, for the next month anyway.  Wish me luck…maybe I’ll meet a nice doctor or lawyer or maybe even an accountant.

Blurted Frustration at the Universe in General

I’m fun, safe, non-threatening – besides, what’s the worst I can say, “No?”

If you don’t ask me out, I won’t go out with you – I’m a traditionalist that way.

Besides, I’ve been told enough that I’m aggressive and forward, how about getting treated like a girl occasionally?

I was at ComiCon this weekend and managed to grab a drink with an engineer from work, the same one I thought I chased away in May, yes, the very same one that won’t talk with me at work, but WILL send text messages.

You’d think I’d have gotten use to the engineer mentality, growing up amongst them, watching their behaviors…yes, I am the Jane Goodall for Engineers.   But alas, in this one-on-one situation, along with the lack of sleep and my propensity for being easily distracted, I was unprepared.  Also, when I asked for a club soda as opposed to an alcoholic beverage, Mr. Engineer was taken aback – but I had an hour long drive ahead of me.

Let’s sum up by saying, while I had a good time, once again, the environment was too noisy and I felt rushed because of the travel time that awaited me – I didn’t get home until after 1:00AM.

Match, You Weird Algorithm Having Application, You

I’m not sure what’s going on with Match – apparently there’s no rhyme or reason to the people it’s referring.

Today I got a “match by mail” from them with someone that not only have they recommended four times now, but someone I’ve gone out with several times – there’s a record of my communicating with them….so what gives?

It’s not much of a service if they’re just showing me the same people over and over.  /pout

Let's Check Those Stats

So, here's a chart of views to my Match.com profile.  Apparently I'm going to have to go away and come back all shiny and new as the longer I have this profile the less likely I am to be viewed.  *Sigh* Just like in life it's all about the newest thing.

Careful What You Ask Your Friends

Queried my FB friends to find out how best to describe myself…it was mostly hilarious posts, which buoyed by spirits, but was not really helpful.  Here’s what I got (in order of posting to my page)…I:

• Am a Whore
• Am Fun
• Am Pretty
• Like to play dress up
• Have a heart of gold
• Have a great rack
• Am Smart
• Am Witty
• Am Self-sufficient
• Have no small children
• Am Independent
• Am confident
• Am Strong-minded

Things I was told about me that are not true:

• Know a great trick with your tongue (this is tying a cherry stem into a knot, but I can’t, that’s my mother)
• Like Puppies
• Like walks on the beach
• Have good credit
• Never have a dull moment (I’m fun and exciting, but sometimes it is just laundry and dish-washing)

Like I said, mostly not helpful…but they love me!

My Match Profile

I need to really re-work my profile, I need to sound firm without sounding like a bitch...wondering how I can strike that balance in writing where inflection is non-existent.

Help…anyone…someone...

Deleted

POF finally got their deleting act together and I was able to delete my account. 

I also will be discontinuing my Geek2Geek account in July when my paid subscription is up.   That site sounded so promising, yet, all I was  getting were really odd people…it didn’t say anything about Fetish2Fetish in the name, yet that’s what I was getting.

*shudder*

When did I get so interesting to Texas?  What about my California based profile makes me so frickin' interesting to another state?

While I hold nothing against you personally, Texas, I wish you'd stop pinging my profile.

Thank you!

Match.com…Are You Stupid or Just Not Paying Attention

So, Match generates a handful of matches as part of their offered services, they claim that they use my search criteria to generate these matches.  I call shenanigans on them!

I restructured my profile and really clamped down hard on my search criteria, doesn’t want kids and doesn’t have kids at home, non-smoker, etc.

My last batch of six auto-generated matches: two wanted kids, two smoked, and three were outside my age range…really…honestly…is it that hard to compare two items in a database and if they don’t match, you don’t include them?

Alright…frustrated tirade over.

Deleted my PoF Account

I couldn't find the required "delete" through their help menu, this is an excerpt of my profile, I have since found their Delete....thank goodness.

I’m deleting my account because I’m disappointed with the inability of most users to read what I'm looking for and then either respond or not as fits the case.

I understand that I may appeal to what you’re looking for, however, I have a specific set of things I am looking for – if you don’t meet those then no matter how wonderful you are, you are not the right person for me.  I will never be so rude as to not respond to someone, however, don’t read into my politeness.

I want someone with a job who can support themselves, someone who’s not looking for a fling and certainly not a married man.

On-line dating world, I’m disappointed with you – that’s all I can say really – you should hang your collective head in shame.

Guess I’m Not as Straight-Forward as I Thought

Yes, I did go on a handful of dates with the same person, I know, a shocker – right?

I knew I was going to tell him that I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore; however, I was going to wait until I saw him again as I think people deserve that type of thing face-to-face, not via text.

What sparked that?  We made plans to meet at Disneyland, I told him that he didn’t have to worry about paying for me and that I’d be driving myself as I was already going to be in the area.  The day before our scheduled meeting he found out the cost of the tickets and parking and backed out.

Now, I can understand that it’s an expensive day out and that sometimes people just can’t afford that type of thing.  What bothered me is that he’s lived here since the 80’s, so he’s got to know that Disneyland is pretty pricy.  Secondly he’s got internet access, but asked me to look that information up for him.  And the topper, making a date and then breaking it due to cost.

Had he said “no” right away or “Let me check my calendar and see if I can” and by calendar I mean wallet, that would’ve been a different story.

Anyway, he was texting late in the evening, while I was driving out to Faire.  I was short, mostly because…you know…driving.  And he gave himself the brush-off via text.  “Let me make this easy…would you like me to stop texting you?”

Wow, I mean, I know I’m pretty blunt – but East Coast people, you have me beat.

Saw this at the bottom of one of my dating websites (take 3)

Women’s Top Ten Favorite Conversation

1. Hopes and aspirations
2. Hobbies/interests in general
3. Music
4. Dreams
5. Romance
6. Friends
7. Travel
8. Vacations
9. Movies
10. Entertainment

Women’s Top Ten Least Favorite Conversation Topics

1. Politics
2. Other dates
3. Past relationships
4. Science fiction
5. Religion
6. Celebrities
7. Science
8. Antiques
9. Money
10. History

It turns out that I am not a woman, apparently…or the people writing this list have never spoken with my friends.  Or perhaps it’s the list for dating air-headed bimbos or something – I’m not quite sure.

Yes, Yes I Did

I did, in fact, tell someone I would have to kill them if I told them what projects I work on.

It was enough to say military and NASA to get him to back off.

Sir, I'm being vague for a reason, if I wanted you to know everything about me I'd simply email you my SSN, DL# and DOB - 'nuff said?

You made me a favorite? Ewww...that is all

"Seeking a submissive, shorter, curvy, very natural unshaven woman"

I always figure out what not to say…the hard way

I was decorating hats for an upcoming event, I was texting a gentleman about it.  Then I sent a photo of one to him with text about the hat and its inspiration.

Apparently you’re not supposed to say that you have a girl-crush in a text to a guy who might want to date you eventually.  I didn’t get a text back from him after that.

Addendum

He did talk to me in the hallway, which is more than I’ve gotten from him since he ask for my phone number.  He’s an engineer where I work, who referred me to Big Bang Theory (as though I don’t know engineers) to describe he and his friends/coworkers. I said it was one of my favorite shows.  He said I was Penny.  Is that supposed to be a compliment or an insult?

I was told this weekend that regardless of how I fight it I will end up dating someone from Faire.  That only those who participate understand the mentality.  Thanks great big heaps Elsa!

If I hadn’t been ignored into atrophying by the last couple of guys I went out with, who I knew from Faire I wouldn’t mind so much.

What I mean to say is, that while I don’t believe that sleeping with someone gives you any influence over them, it doesn’t immediately catapult you into a relationship or do I think that they’re not sleeping with other people, I do think that if they’re going to pursue something more meaningful with someone else they should let you know.

So, let’s all put two and two together here.  Yes, I went out with some people I knew from Faire, yes, I slept with said people….and yes I got to find out via FaceBook when they changed their status to “in a relationship.”  Hey, an email or text would’ve worked.

I can’t tell if I’m just that bad a judge of character, if I’m doing something wrong specifically (time to draft an exit survey for my bedroom) or if I just expect too much out of people.  But it leaves me feeling angry and upset and I’d hate to take that to Faire.

Look, I still want to gouge out my ex-husband’s eyes, and we’ve been divorced for over a decade.  I’m quick to flare to anger and I carry it with me for a long time, hey, I think anger and hate are long-distance activities and it’s in my genetic coding.  Yes, I can, in fact, hate you for the remainder of my life…or yours…whichever comes first.  I will say though…if you go first, I get to do a lively jig all over your grave.  No, I won’t change, and I’m not sorry.

So, now, Elsa…do you really think I should end up with someone from Faire?

Stalker-esque? You Decide....

I mention to everyone I email with, date-site-wise, that I work the RenFaire, which is why I’m not available on weekends March through June.  I found my chickens came home to roost.

While I have told people, come to Faire, it’s fun...you’ll have a good time!  I also say “hey, let me know you’re coming and I’ll try and look for you.”

Someone decided to come to Faire and take in the sights and tell me later that he had been there…and he had seen me….

Yes, just like that, kind of unsettling when you see it in print!  I tell people to let me know they’re coming, because with the parade of humanity coming in the gate I don’t always truly see people.  If I know to expect someone I may be on the lookout for them.  Thinking that someone came to Faire, someone who came looking for me, knowing they were ogling and left makes me feel strange.

I’m sure he didn’t mean it quite that way…but it is a bit unnerving, I’ve got to admit.  Well, dear reader, how would you feel? Hmmmm?

WTF is "Crazy Eyes?"

I have read too many profiles to count and have run across the phrase “please no crazy eyes.”

What in the world does that mean?  No eyes like Marty Feldman?  Does the birthmark in my eye count as “craziness?”  If I’m crazy but it doesn’t make it to my eyes does that count?

I realize that the eyes are a window to the soul, but does crazy really show up there?  What if my eyes were feeling crazy but I’m just fine?  How about the fact I hate making eye contact – does that constitute eye-craziness?

Would someone please clue me in on this?  I mean, really, if you don’t want to date a crazy person, just say that…but don’t pick on someone’s eyes for pity’s sake!

Insanity runs in my family...what if my eyes are fine but I give you THAT little tidbit - if you didn't see it in my eyes would I still be a contender with no "crazy eyes?"

I will have you know, I'm not "Good Luck Chuck."

Even though my stats would say otherwise.

Thanks Sis....I love you too.

WTF?

So I was writing back and forth with a young man…and the operative word there, very likely, is young, in this case 27.  I told him that while I was not interested in dating someone as young as he is, I would be happy to exchange emails, so we could practice the art of the written conversation, learning to get to know someone in writing, but wouldn’t be upset if he’d prefer not to do so as a dating site is for finding someone to eventually go out with.

We have corresponded off and on for about three weeks, my going-in assumption about writing like that is that each missive is a response to the previous one, with then open-ended questions about the other person, to get to know what they’re like.

I sent one such message on Tuesday a response to “how was your weekend”:

It was a long weekend, Kid's Day for Faire on Friday, so I drove out on Thursday. I usually spend the day "lounging around" and cracking-wise, on Friday I spent it cooking, cleaning and teaching kids about the food/herbs/spices of the day.

On top of that it was a 40* jump in heat from last weekend, and the heat really sucks it out of you.

That being said, it WAS a good weekend. How 'bout you? Manage to stay out of trouble, yet still have a good time?

To which I received the following reply:

hello. i sat here for 15 mins trying to come up with something to have a conversation over and i cant think of anything because im not sure if you want to chat with me. i feel like im trying to hard just to have simple conversations. i am an open honest person. im not out to hurt you or get in your pants. i am sorry and i will leave you alone. i hope you find what you are looking for in life. take care bye.

What the hell?  I answered his question, gave him information about myself and then asked how his weekend was…what went wrong there?

My friends think I’m funny and smart; at least that’s what they say to my face ;-)  So, tell me, when applied to a stranger I get that type of response?  Was I not having “simple conversation?” Was I acting in any way dishonest? 

This is the type of thing that really sets me off…makes me wonder is it me? Is it him? Is it a combo?  Is this why I can’t seem to get a second date?  Should I not be honest and then disappoint people later when I’m not what I’ve seemed to be?

Guess it's back to the ol' drawing board...or in this electronics age...back to the old e-tablet.

Dear Guy-In-England,

I’m not sure why I expected a “geek” dating site to illicit a better result than a normal site, probably because I associate geekdom with a love of reading, fact finding and then adorable tentative actions. 

I believe it says specifically on my profile that I live in California and that I’m not willing to relocate….it also says nothing about trans-Atlantic booty calls.  Let’s also not mention I said no kids.

All that aside I figured there was nothing inherently wrong in exchanging IMs and emails with you, however, I don’t have an international call plan on my cell phone and am not planning on getting one.

I don’t appreciate your pressure and your insistence (“oh come on…”) if I say I can’t afford something then I can’t….you have no idea what all I’m up to in my life, so please check yourself, m-kay?

Please take a long walk off a short pier,

Creepy

My Third On-Line Instigated Date

We were to meet at The Belmont at 7:30; it was a long day at Faire, I was covered in coal dust and silt and meat smoke and desperately needed a shower.  A text message later saying I might be 15 mins late, he agreed, that my lateness was not an issue, the wise decision of taking a cab as opposed to driving was made and I was prepping for my night.  I showered and dressed (I whipped out the “first-date” dress I’ve been using, hey, it’s comfortable and flattering, so back off) with cab on the way I was made-up and coiffed and on the road.

I actually arrived at the restaurant at 7:20, time enough to get a vodka shot (for my headache) and a water (for same)...did I mention it was a long day?  I sent him a text letting him know I was there and waiting at the bar….little did he know I am like a fireman and can jump into my clothes and be ready to go in a very short period of time…most of the women I know can, we just like to have the luxury of taking our time.  He admitted later he figured 15 minutes was “girl code” for 30 – 60 minutes.

My date showed up with flowers, actually, a potted orchid, which was both a lovely sentiment and a lovely flower.

I had glanced at the menu before hand and knew I’d be having a salad, which was very good, if not slightly overdressed.  However, once again, it was a noisy atmosphere, a cute little place with a metal tiled ceiling was being overrun with sports fans (basketball I think) and I couldn’t hear myself think.  To actually converse I had to shout to be heard, which didn’t help with my headache in the least.

While we waited for the valet to bring the car around it started to drizzle, which was lovely and cooling.  We went to Sweet Lady Jane’s for dessert, which was delightful and as it’s a small establishment we ended up sharing our table and dessert with another couple – fun times.  For whatever reason Charlie Sheen came into the conversation, my date said “well who HASN’T party with Charlie Sheen” and the other gal at the table said “I know, I went to his house for drinks a while back…” have I ever mentioned that it’s this type of thing that makes me love L.A.?

He gave me a ride back home, where I managed to bore him to tears with my job description and lost all ability to claim to be a air-headed bimbo – not that it’s a goal of mine, but I never want to tip my hand on how stupid (or smart) I might actually be.

A kiss goodnight on my sister’s doorstep, sweet and no pressure, which was also refreshing.

Him? He is a bit older, not quite divorced (oh yeah, rebound girl again) union rep for movie industry folks.  Interesting life, but nothing to make me run for the hills, although that not-being-divorced thing does send up my red flags…oh yeah, and his “pain management” Rx of choice. :-/

Who knows, I might actually get to see him again…we shall see.

What I’ve Learned Thus Far

While I can’t say I’ve looked at everyone in the on-line dating universe here are some sweeping generalizations I’d like to make:

All men love

• Sushi
• Wine
• Camping
• Football
• The Beach
• Fishing
• First Person Shooting Video Games

I’ve also found out that I’m

• Too short
• Too old
• Too young
• Too fat
• Not athletic enough
• Too white
• Too many kids
• Don’t want enough kids
• Not Catholic enough
• Too far away
• Too strange
• Not fetishy enough

I’ve also learned that while I actually have information on my page like “I don’t exercise,” “I’m a vegetarian” and “I’m an indoor girl,” I still will get solicited by men who want a tall, thin, outdoorsy type. Humph.

Dear On-Line Dating Folks,

If you ping me and it is evident that you’ve not read my profile (because you’re 24 or in Texas or ask me if I like sushi even though I’m listed as a strict vegetarian) I have every right to make fun of you to the blog-reading community.

I’ve emailed people even if I didn’t match some small criteria they had (looking for someone 5’2” or within 50 miles of xyz place) but I always acknowledge it in the email I send.  Something like “I realize I don’t meet your height requirement, but I thought you seemed interesting and thought I’d let you know.”

However, I’ve never contacted anyone in another state, wants “NO KIDS” or “no cats…allergies.”  I figure those are things that can’t be overcome, just like you being 52 is not something that can be overcome.

I hate thinking that you took a look at my picture and decided “Hey, I’d tap that” (which I take as a complement, but still) and then have the audacity to be upset when I say something like “sure, we can correspond, practicing the art of the written word, but I’m sorry, but you’re not quite who I’m looking for because….”

Just saying, it pays to read before you wink or email, show me you’re smart enough to look at the WHOLE profile before you initiate correspondence.

~ Creepy

Another Site? Yes

Joined another dating site Geek 2 Geek…seems more my speed, actually, we shall see, though.

I did do a search and it, once again, pulled up someone I know.  This time, however, the guy was vomit inducing. <shudder>

He once made a untoward comment about my 12 year old (at the time) being “almost legal.”  Hope that doesn’t really put me in the same category as him.

Excuse me while I go take a long, hot shower…*ugh*

Dear RansomPride,

You seemed like a nice-enough person, however, I appreciate you taking the initiative of backing away from me…slowly, quietly, and without turning your back to show me your cowardice.

I don’t appreciate additional negativity in my life, I mentioned my job was on shaky ground right now, but I don’t need you telling me how much “Government sucks” and acting as though “The Man” is out to get you via text message.

Imagine my non-surprise when I didn’t hear from you again and found you unfriended both of your profiles from my FB page.  Guess you can’t take the honesty you for which you said you were looking – careful what you wish for, sir, you often get just that.  And for the record, I re-read my text to you...it wasn’t mean and nasty, just straightforward.

~ Creepy

PS:  When I asked if you had anything communicable you said “no,” but then admitted you had HepB, thanks for letting me know before I had any physical contact with you. <shudder>

Some Interesting Graphical Representations

Yes...just look and smile..it's really pretty funny, these are all based on what I'm getting from Match.com:

So, this is a bar chart representing the number of times my page was looked at per week

 Here's the same data shown in a line graph format...there was a precipitous drop off recently.  I'm wondering why I was so wildly popular in March - must've been people looking for a leprechaun.

This is a bar chart comparing the number of dates I've been on versus the number of penis pictures I've gotten on my cell phone.  I'll let you figure out which bar is which.

An Email To Creepy

"Good Morning. So, I'm just being curious. You are this beautiful, smart, extremely funny woman with a full social calendar at least until June. You're well established in your vocation and in your passion (faire).

I can't understand why the males that are already in your orbit aren't already filling you're dance card. Are you looking for something that they just don't have? If so, what is it? Do you even know?

Is it just your nature to explore all avenues?"


Wow, Bleep, that's the question I'm asking myself. 

I gave him a real answer, but I also said "...it could be that I'm a rude, irritatting, classless bitch that might be a fun and great friend, but just not what you want in a girlfriend," at least I know who I am. ;-)

Dear FernandoItalia,

If you say you’re into “voyeurism lol” you are neither softening a blow nor are you making a joke about it if you continue to press.  Especially after I said:

“My personal belief is that any type of sexual play is for the privacy of the two (yes TWO) people involved.  No looky-loos...no recording for later....certainly no additional partners “

“Sexy [goings on upstairs at a Hollywood club]...not for me. If that's your fancy, I'm not the girl you're looking for”

And

“I've been [to that club] a couple of times: to see a band, out for dancing and drinks....no upstairs scoping, I'm more vanilla than that.”

I think that’s pretty clear.  Now you’re going to make me have to actually come out and say “Stop emailing me, I’m sure you can find a willing partner, but that’s not me.”

I don’t judge people regarding their personal preferences, but that’s not what I’m about and certainly not what I’m looking for.   I’m being honest, I don’t even mind being blunt, but why do you have to push me into a corner so I come out looking like a bitch? 

BTW, using lol after everything doesn’t mean much to me except you either laugh uncontrollably or you’re uncomfortable with something or think I will be….if you’re not sure about something, perhaps you shouldn’t broach it in the first email you send.

~ Creepy

D'Oh

I can't think it is SOLEY because of me, but a guy I emailed yesterday changed is “headline” to read “Looking for a future soccer mom.”

Wow, message received!

Really?

"Nevermind the son comment is beyond me..I hate cougars...legal or not still childmolesters"

Wow, remind me never to talk to you again buddy...all I said is I would normally be dating your son (over 21 and military) but I was looking for something different.

BTW - I was told that the whole "cougar" thing is a myth.

My Second On-Line Instigated Date

This time, I actually went out…out in public, yup that’s right, someone was seen with me in a public place.  I was unsure if it would ever happen since I usually get treated like some dirty secret most of the time.  We were to meet, 10:00PM at the Medusa Lounge, a club.  What to wear, I wondered, is there a dress code?

http://medusaloungela.com/

I Googled it…it had reviews on yelp and other social networking places, “the best sex club in L.A.”  Dear God…where had I agreed to go?  I’m a nice girl, I don’t swing, I don’t do groups or animals and I certainly don’t “perform” in public.  But…no dress-code and no no-dress code, so I decided to wear something a little less come-hither…I was working on my go-thither or maybe my stay-put look.  I wore a tank-top, sweater and an ankle-length skirt with knee-high boots…only my head, neck and arms were visible; which I was told by Sis that it was a cute look for a first date.  Of course the outfit was all black, so at least I could blend…or hide.

I arrived at 10, valet parked my car so I didn’t walk 1,000 miles and waited in line to get into the club.  The door-man flirted with me…made me feel good, but it was probably because I’m old and sad looking.  I don’t care, I take it where I can get it.  I paid to get in and ran to the bar – I was so thirsty…not sure why.  I grabbed a soda water and took a seat on a bench so I could scope things out and see anyone who came into the place.

Dr.Purple arrived after a set he’d done at some club (see my post on stand up comics), he was interesting, smart and funny – however, I couldn’t look at him since I had to sit with my ear facing him as it was so loud in the club.  It gave me a good view of the patrons, and I actually saw someone I knew and is drool-worthy; I’m glad he made it back to the states, but didn’t rush over to see him, I figured that would be rude to both my date and the nearly nude girls draping all over him.

If the Dr goes there regularly, as he says he does, then he would know it’s loud.  Why would you think that’s a good place for a “getting to know you” type of date?  Unless, of course, his motive from the beginning was to get me out of a noisy club and into the quiet of his house.  I notice I’m very suspicious of men, but it is battle-scars not irrational supposition.

I couldn’t stay out too late, because I had Faire in the morning, I think I was home by 1:00AM.  It started to rain as we walked from the club, I must look great in the rain because he did make play – as flattering as it is, I don’t go to bed with strangers on the first date, I mean, I do have a few rules.

And yes…I did get into a small, tiny, itty-bitty accident on the way home.  My shoes were slippery and slid off the break at a stop light and I barely rolled into someone’s bumper.  I jumped out and he said “get back in your car” and drove off.  Thank you stranger, you completed my night.

I have since heard from DrPurple…we tried to make a second date but he works, as do I, on the weekends.  Maybe after Faire is over.

How Do I Shop for a Guy? (On Match)

Everyone’s got their way of doing things, this is mine, browsing the meat counter as it were.

First, I go by user name, if the user name has “69”  in it or any other “lover” or “sex” portion to it, I won’t even click there.  Really, I mean, that’s not what I want people thinking when they look at MY user name “TheCreepyGirl.”  Of course, I think when people see that name I’m either crazy or kinky, which, depending on your point of view I am…or not.

Then their initial information:

Relationship status: Since “married” isn’t an option to choose, I can’t use that; currently separated sets off alarm bells for me.  Are you really still married?  If not but you’re not yet divorced then you can’t be over your relationship hurt.  If you ARE over your hurt and you’re not married, why have you dragged your feet in filing?

Do they want kids?  I’m unlikely to have any more kids; mine is going to graduate this year.  While I was seeing someone for a half-a-moment who wanted children and I thought “Yeah, I could have a baby with him,” the way I was dismissed makes me nauseous that I ever entertained the thought – what in God’s name was I thinking?

Do they have kids? If so how many?  If they’re grown, or nearly grown that’s fine…if they’ve got three under five forget about it.  See above for having raised my own child, I certainly don’t want to raise anyone else’s.  Add to that the “you’re not my mother” business and the “baby mama drama” no thanks.

Where do they live?  I’ve been pinged by guys in Canada, Illinois, Arizona…I had a hard time seeing the guy I dated who lived 2.5 hrs away, I don’t see that type of long distance relationship working.  In fact, San Jose, San Luis Obispo and San Diego – you’re all a stretch.

I do read the profile, if there’s tons of grammar and spelling issues (I know this is a pot/kettle situation, but who am I, to not be hypocritical?) then I stop reading.

Then it’s time to check out hobbies/interests/favorite things….if they’re things I detest, that’s really a no-go; if they’re things

After all that I check out the pictures, I’ve already made my decision by that point, but it’s not going to hurt to look…is it?

Am I Funny Looking?

Why is there an abundance of interest in my profile from stand-up comics?

I did ask one if he was interested in going out with me or if I just looked like good material, he never emailed again.  Whoops…my forthright-and-often-seen-as-callous nature strikes again.

So that still begs the question: Is there just a large percentage of dating site users that are stand up comics OR am I so hilarious/sad/interesting looking that I attract stand-up comics?

One of those life mysteries that I’ll never get the answer to, I’m sure.

Yes Sir, That IS Considered Lying

Dear TallandFitinCali,

I don’t care that you state in your description that you are really 50-something-ish, which is noncommittal as to how old you ACTUALLY are, putting your age as 45 in your profile is still lying.

You said you did so to avoid certain search engines…those would be the ones I employ to whittle down the vast number of profiles on line to figure out which ones I might consider sleeping with (well, eventually, a romantic relationship will go there).

My father is 57, my mother 56…if you’re 50ISH that means you’re creeping too close to my parents’ age and that weirds me out…sorry…my hang up not yours.

But still, you lied…I think you should check your pants, they are potentially aflame and perhaps you should stop, drop and roll to prevent your young-looking-but-still-in-your-50’s self from totally being consumed by the pants-fire of your lies.

~ Creepy

P.S. Yes, I am only 12…apparently.

Pssst….random people, I see you consistently looking at my page why don’t you send me an email?  I know one of you has looked at me every day for the last week...I emailed you first...you can respond.

I don’t bite, well, not via the internet…what’s the worst that can happen? I might turn down your e-persona?

Nothing ventured, nothing gained….and this is why I want to date older men, at least the majority have the nerve to ask.

Dear At_First_Glance,

You decided, based on one phone call that you not only didn’t want to meet me in person, but never to email me again, so why are you looking at my page?

Thanks for playing, but you have shown your true colors, Judgey Judgenberg.  If you scrape up the nerve you may give me a call, send a text or even an email – otherwise quit cyber-ogling me.

Creepy

A Musing......

If I receive a "wink" on my dating site profile, does it count if they guy only has one eye to begin with?

My First On-Line Instigated Date

It started out poorly, I was supposed to meet someone for a drink and a face-to-face, but instead he cancelled, or, more accurately, didn’t say he’d be there so I didn’t go.  While I was checking my email I get an instant message, Almost40Balding is IMing me and…after a short exchange decide to meet up and talk.  Of COURSE he wants me to meet him at his apartment…but promises to be a gentleman.  So I figure, well, if he doesn’t kill me I’ll come out ahead, and I go.

First I got the worst directions…and then I got into an accident on the way there. :-/  I can’t find the building, apparently I’m around the block…I move my car…and we go up to his place.

Well, I sit right down on the couch…he sits as far away from me as humanly possible.  Never does he turn the T.V. off, so it’s constantly in the background.  We’re talking, trying to learn about him…so, what do YOU do for a living?  He talks and talks…interesting yes, but talking.  So Creepy, what do you do?  I start talking about it…two sentences in “Oh, so you work on computers.”  Wow…blunt and dismissive…what more can I say, but Wow!

He keeps talking about watching a movie or something when I say “is my conversation that boring?”  Of course it isn’t.

Two hours later I have to go…he was true to his word, a gentleman.  And though he said he’d love to see me again, I don’t think that’s the case – never got an email and certainly never a phone call.

Word to the wise…if you had a great time but are not interested in seeing me again, please, just say that.  I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, but at least have the fortitude to say it. :-$

To the Gentleman Who Decided I Lived Too Far Away –

Quit stalking my profile, I haven’t moved.  I told you I wouldn’t be moving until later this year after June.  I told you my availability would be the same once I moved so distance wasn’t the issue.

You are not really interested in me, so move along and quit taking up numbers in my stats.

Love,

Me

My Past – In Pie Charts

So I decided to take a look at my past “dating” life in pie chart format…pretty bleak when you look at it.

I’d like to say something tragic, like, “What’s wrong with me???”  The answer to that is obvious, there’s nothing wrong with me, per se, maybe my decision making skills need honing.  Or perhaps I need to re-evaluate what I’m looking for, or only measure something that I think is really a big deal.

So, in the following figures the 100% is equitable to the men of my past.

In figure one, the red is the percentage of men I’ve been with that left me for someone immediately, in at least one case got married two weeks after I saw him last.

In figure two, the red slice is the number of guys who were older than me.

In figure three, the red slice is the number I only got one shot with before they decided I was not quite what they wanted.

Yes, there is cross-over...and names....but nobody needs to know that stuff.

Dear Match.Com,

Thanks for putting someone I already know in my top two mutual matches, that’s a bit creepy – even for me.  I decided to do the on-line dating thing to meet new people not to get yenta-style set up with people I already know. 

 Also, where’s the “I’ve slept with a friend of his” check box to help whittle down that result?

Dear Okiee,

If the text messages you send to my phone are pictures of your penis and all you’re trying to do is sex-chat me, then you have no right to get all upset when I treat you like a whore.

That is all.

Love,

Creepy

Open Letter to Guy from PoF

Dear Dizzy,

I appreciate your zeal, I really do, but by responding to my profile you indicate you cannot read, I think I specifically stated I’m looking for someone 37-47, not 20.  I really do want my date to be able to legally buy me a drink.

I don’t care what the Bloodhound Gang say about older women, coming at me with overly sexual messaging is likely to have the effect opposite than you’re trying to get – I’m old enough to be your mother.

Also, trying to tell me of your sexual prowess at such an early age makes me wonder what horrible diseases you must be carrying…ewwww…cockroach.

Thanks for playing, try again next time.

Creepy

Where to shop for men?

So I have decided that since my current tactic of dating within my social circle is just as bad as dating at work, I will try on-line dating to meet new and *ahem* interesting people.

Right now I’m on plentyoffish, which my hairdresser told me about and match, which a number of my friends have used.  I’m also likely to try a couple of others – I’m dragging my feet on jdate though, even though it IS Jewtopia (thanks Dad).

We will see where this mild ride takes me, maybe I’ll learn the art of going on a date without immediately mauling the other person, maybe I’ll learn how to eat politely in public, maybe I’ll write a screenplay about how bad the whole experience was…any way you slice it I’m going to come out ahead. (minus subscription fees)

Personal Ads

I remember these from being a teenager, along with always reading the comics I read the personals – don’t ask me why, I have no answer.

Let me just say that the internet has stepped that freakishness up zillion-fold.  I took a look at the Craigslist personals, just snooping around when I was bored and alone.  The stuff I read would curl your hair…or uncurl it as the case may be!

It’s like a bulletin board equivalent of a singles’ bar, but a singles’ bar where everyone advertises their kinks.  “Looking for someone to throw rose petals in the air to Aqualung while I stroke it and watch Animal Planet.”

WOW

Yeah, that sums it up…WOW.  I won’t be using Craigslist or trolling it again, what you’ve seen can’t be unseen – at least, not without a sharp blow to the head.