I will have you know, I'm not "Good Luck Chuck."

Even though my stats would say otherwise.

Thanks Sis....I love you too.

WTF?

So I was writing back and forth with a young man…and the operative word there, very likely, is young, in this case 27.  I told him that while I was not interested in dating someone as young as he is, I would be happy to exchange emails, so we could practice the art of the written conversation, learning to get to know someone in writing, but wouldn’t be upset if he’d prefer not to do so as a dating site is for finding someone to eventually go out with.

We have corresponded off and on for about three weeks, my going-in assumption about writing like that is that each missive is a response to the previous one, with then open-ended questions about the other person, to get to know what they’re like.

I sent one such message on Tuesday a response to “how was your weekend”:

It was a long weekend, Kid's Day for Faire on Friday, so I drove out on Thursday. I usually spend the day "lounging around" and cracking-wise, on Friday I spent it cooking, cleaning and teaching kids about the food/herbs/spices of the day.

On top of that it was a 40* jump in heat from last weekend, and the heat really sucks it out of you.

That being said, it WAS a good weekend. How 'bout you? Manage to stay out of trouble, yet still have a good time?

To which I received the following reply:

hello. i sat here for 15 mins trying to come up with something to have a conversation over and i cant think of anything because im not sure if you want to chat with me. i feel like im trying to hard just to have simple conversations. i am an open honest person. im not out to hurt you or get in your pants. i am sorry and i will leave you alone. i hope you find what you are looking for in life. take care bye.

What the hell?  I answered his question, gave him information about myself and then asked how his weekend was…what went wrong there?

My friends think I’m funny and smart; at least that’s what they say to my face ;-)  So, tell me, when applied to a stranger I get that type of response?  Was I not having “simple conversation?” Was I acting in any way dishonest? 

This is the type of thing that really sets me off…makes me wonder is it me? Is it him? Is it a combo?  Is this why I can’t seem to get a second date?  Should I not be honest and then disappoint people later when I’m not what I’ve seemed to be?

Guess it's back to the ol' drawing board...or in this electronics age...back to the old e-tablet.

Dear Guy-In-England,

I’m not sure why I expected a “geek” dating site to illicit a better result than a normal site, probably because I associate geekdom with a love of reading, fact finding and then adorable tentative actions. 

I believe it says specifically on my profile that I live in California and that I’m not willing to relocate….it also says nothing about trans-Atlantic booty calls.  Let’s also not mention I said no kids.

All that aside I figured there was nothing inherently wrong in exchanging IMs and emails with you, however, I don’t have an international call plan on my cell phone and am not planning on getting one.

I don’t appreciate your pressure and your insistence (“oh come on…”) if I say I can’t afford something then I can’t….you have no idea what all I’m up to in my life, so please check yourself, m-kay?

Please take a long walk off a short pier,

Creepy

My Third On-Line Instigated Date

We were to meet at The Belmont at 7:30; it was a long day at Faire, I was covered in coal dust and silt and meat smoke and desperately needed a shower.  A text message later saying I might be 15 mins late, he agreed, that my lateness was not an issue, the wise decision of taking a cab as opposed to driving was made and I was prepping for my night.  I showered and dressed (I whipped out the “first-date” dress I’ve been using, hey, it’s comfortable and flattering, so back off) with cab on the way I was made-up and coiffed and on the road.

I actually arrived at the restaurant at 7:20, time enough to get a vodka shot (for my headache) and a water (for same)...did I mention it was a long day?  I sent him a text letting him know I was there and waiting at the bar….little did he know I am like a fireman and can jump into my clothes and be ready to go in a very short period of time…most of the women I know can, we just like to have the luxury of taking our time.  He admitted later he figured 15 minutes was “girl code” for 30 – 60 minutes.

My date showed up with flowers, actually, a potted orchid, which was both a lovely sentiment and a lovely flower.

I had glanced at the menu before hand and knew I’d be having a salad, which was very good, if not slightly overdressed.  However, once again, it was a noisy atmosphere, a cute little place with a metal tiled ceiling was being overrun with sports fans (basketball I think) and I couldn’t hear myself think.  To actually converse I had to shout to be heard, which didn’t help with my headache in the least.

While we waited for the valet to bring the car around it started to drizzle, which was lovely and cooling.  We went to Sweet Lady Jane’s for dessert, which was delightful and as it’s a small establishment we ended up sharing our table and dessert with another couple – fun times.  For whatever reason Charlie Sheen came into the conversation, my date said “well who HASN’T party with Charlie Sheen” and the other gal at the table said “I know, I went to his house for drinks a while back…” have I ever mentioned that it’s this type of thing that makes me love L.A.?

He gave me a ride back home, where I managed to bore him to tears with my job description and lost all ability to claim to be a air-headed bimbo – not that it’s a goal of mine, but I never want to tip my hand on how stupid (or smart) I might actually be.

A kiss goodnight on my sister’s doorstep, sweet and no pressure, which was also refreshing.

Him? He is a bit older, not quite divorced (oh yeah, rebound girl again) union rep for movie industry folks.  Interesting life, but nothing to make me run for the hills, although that not-being-divorced thing does send up my red flags…oh yeah, and his “pain management” Rx of choice. :-/

Who knows, I might actually get to see him again…we shall see.

What I’ve Learned Thus Far

While I can’t say I’ve looked at everyone in the on-line dating universe here are some sweeping generalizations I’d like to make:

All men love

• Sushi
• Wine
• Camping
• Football
• The Beach
• Fishing
• First Person Shooting Video Games

I’ve also found out that I’m

• Too short
• Too old
• Too young
• Too fat
• Not athletic enough
• Too white
• Too many kids
• Don’t want enough kids
• Not Catholic enough
• Too far away
• Too strange
• Not fetishy enough

I’ve also learned that while I actually have information on my page like “I don’t exercise,” “I’m a vegetarian” and “I’m an indoor girl,” I still will get solicited by men who want a tall, thin, outdoorsy type. Humph.

Dear On-Line Dating Folks,

If you ping me and it is evident that you’ve not read my profile (because you’re 24 or in Texas or ask me if I like sushi even though I’m listed as a strict vegetarian) I have every right to make fun of you to the blog-reading community.

I’ve emailed people even if I didn’t match some small criteria they had (looking for someone 5’2” or within 50 miles of xyz place) but I always acknowledge it in the email I send.  Something like “I realize I don’t meet your height requirement, but I thought you seemed interesting and thought I’d let you know.”

However, I’ve never contacted anyone in another state, wants “NO KIDS” or “no cats…allergies.”  I figure those are things that can’t be overcome, just like you being 52 is not something that can be overcome.

I hate thinking that you took a look at my picture and decided “Hey, I’d tap that” (which I take as a complement, but still) and then have the audacity to be upset when I say something like “sure, we can correspond, practicing the art of the written word, but I’m sorry, but you’re not quite who I’m looking for because….”

Just saying, it pays to read before you wink or email, show me you’re smart enough to look at the WHOLE profile before you initiate correspondence.

~ Creepy

Another Site? Yes

Joined another dating site Geek 2 Geek…seems more my speed, actually, we shall see, though.

I did do a search and it, once again, pulled up someone I know.  This time, however, the guy was vomit inducing. <shudder>

He once made a untoward comment about my 12 year old (at the time) being “almost legal.”  Hope that doesn’t really put me in the same category as him.

Excuse me while I go take a long, hot shower…*ugh*

Dear RansomPride,

You seemed like a nice-enough person, however, I appreciate you taking the initiative of backing away from me…slowly, quietly, and without turning your back to show me your cowardice.

I don’t appreciate additional negativity in my life, I mentioned my job was on shaky ground right now, but I don’t need you telling me how much “Government sucks” and acting as though “The Man” is out to get you via text message.

Imagine my non-surprise when I didn’t hear from you again and found you unfriended both of your profiles from my FB page.  Guess you can’t take the honesty you for which you said you were looking – careful what you wish for, sir, you often get just that.  And for the record, I re-read my text to you...it wasn’t mean and nasty, just straightforward.

~ Creepy

PS:  When I asked if you had anything communicable you said “no,” but then admitted you had HepB, thanks for letting me know before I had any physical contact with you. <shudder>

Some Interesting Graphical Representations

Yes...just look and smile..it's really pretty funny, these are all based on what I'm getting from Match.com:

So, this is a bar chart representing the number of times my page was looked at per week

 Here's the same data shown in a line graph format...there was a precipitous drop off recently.  I'm wondering why I was so wildly popular in March - must've been people looking for a leprechaun.

This is a bar chart comparing the number of dates I've been on versus the number of penis pictures I've gotten on my cell phone.  I'll let you figure out which bar is which.

An Email To Creepy

"Good Morning. So, I'm just being curious. You are this beautiful, smart, extremely funny woman with a full social calendar at least until June. You're well established in your vocation and in your passion (faire).

I can't understand why the males that are already in your orbit aren't already filling you're dance card. Are you looking for something that they just don't have? If so, what is it? Do you even know?

Is it just your nature to explore all avenues?"


Wow, Bleep, that's the question I'm asking myself. 

I gave him a real answer, but I also said "...it could be that I'm a rude, irritatting, classless bitch that might be a fun and great friend, but just not what you want in a girlfriend," at least I know who I am. ;-)

Dear FernandoItalia,

If you say you’re into “voyeurism lol” you are neither softening a blow nor are you making a joke about it if you continue to press.  Especially after I said:

“My personal belief is that any type of sexual play is for the privacy of the two (yes TWO) people involved.  No looky-loos...no recording for later....certainly no additional partners “

“Sexy [goings on upstairs at a Hollywood club]...not for me. If that's your fancy, I'm not the girl you're looking for”

And

“I've been [to that club] a couple of times: to see a band, out for dancing and drinks....no upstairs scoping, I'm more vanilla than that.”

I think that’s pretty clear.  Now you’re going to make me have to actually come out and say “Stop emailing me, I’m sure you can find a willing partner, but that’s not me.”

I don’t judge people regarding their personal preferences, but that’s not what I’m about and certainly not what I’m looking for.   I’m being honest, I don’t even mind being blunt, but why do you have to push me into a corner so I come out looking like a bitch? 

BTW, using lol after everything doesn’t mean much to me except you either laugh uncontrollably or you’re uncomfortable with something or think I will be….if you’re not sure about something, perhaps you shouldn’t broach it in the first email you send.

~ Creepy

D'Oh

I can't think it is SOLEY because of me, but a guy I emailed yesterday changed is “headline” to read “Looking for a future soccer mom.”

Wow, message received!

Really?

"Nevermind the son comment is beyond me..I hate cougars...legal or not still childmolesters"

Wow, remind me never to talk to you again buddy...all I said is I would normally be dating your son (over 21 and military) but I was looking for something different.

BTW - I was told that the whole "cougar" thing is a myth.

My Second On-Line Instigated Date

This time, I actually went out…out in public, yup that’s right, someone was seen with me in a public place.  I was unsure if it would ever happen since I usually get treated like some dirty secret most of the time.  We were to meet, 10:00PM at the Medusa Lounge, a club.  What to wear, I wondered, is there a dress code?

http://medusaloungela.com/

I Googled it…it had reviews on yelp and other social networking places, “the best sex club in L.A.”  Dear God…where had I agreed to go?  I’m a nice girl, I don’t swing, I don’t do groups or animals and I certainly don’t “perform” in public.  But…no dress-code and no no-dress code, so I decided to wear something a little less come-hither…I was working on my go-thither or maybe my stay-put look.  I wore a tank-top, sweater and an ankle-length skirt with knee-high boots…only my head, neck and arms were visible; which I was told by Sis that it was a cute look for a first date.  Of course the outfit was all black, so at least I could blend…or hide.

I arrived at 10, valet parked my car so I didn’t walk 1,000 miles and waited in line to get into the club.  The door-man flirted with me…made me feel good, but it was probably because I’m old and sad looking.  I don’t care, I take it where I can get it.  I paid to get in and ran to the bar – I was so thirsty…not sure why.  I grabbed a soda water and took a seat on a bench so I could scope things out and see anyone who came into the place.

Dr.Purple arrived after a set he’d done at some club (see my post on stand up comics), he was interesting, smart and funny – however, I couldn’t look at him since I had to sit with my ear facing him as it was so loud in the club.  It gave me a good view of the patrons, and I actually saw someone I knew and is drool-worthy; I’m glad he made it back to the states, but didn’t rush over to see him, I figured that would be rude to both my date and the nearly nude girls draping all over him.

If the Dr goes there regularly, as he says he does, then he would know it’s loud.  Why would you think that’s a good place for a “getting to know you” type of date?  Unless, of course, his motive from the beginning was to get me out of a noisy club and into the quiet of his house.  I notice I’m very suspicious of men, but it is battle-scars not irrational supposition.

I couldn’t stay out too late, because I had Faire in the morning, I think I was home by 1:00AM.  It started to rain as we walked from the club, I must look great in the rain because he did make play – as flattering as it is, I don’t go to bed with strangers on the first date, I mean, I do have a few rules.

And yes…I did get into a small, tiny, itty-bitty accident on the way home.  My shoes were slippery and slid off the break at a stop light and I barely rolled into someone’s bumper.  I jumped out and he said “get back in your car” and drove off.  Thank you stranger, you completed my night.

I have since heard from DrPurple…we tried to make a second date but he works, as do I, on the weekends.  Maybe after Faire is over.

How Do I Shop for a Guy? (On Match)

Everyone’s got their way of doing things, this is mine, browsing the meat counter as it were.

First, I go by user name, if the user name has “69”  in it or any other “lover” or “sex” portion to it, I won’t even click there.  Really, I mean, that’s not what I want people thinking when they look at MY user name “TheCreepyGirl.”  Of course, I think when people see that name I’m either crazy or kinky, which, depending on your point of view I am…or not.

Then their initial information:

Relationship status: Since “married” isn’t an option to choose, I can’t use that; currently separated sets off alarm bells for me.  Are you really still married?  If not but you’re not yet divorced then you can’t be over your relationship hurt.  If you ARE over your hurt and you’re not married, why have you dragged your feet in filing?

Do they want kids?  I’m unlikely to have any more kids; mine is going to graduate this year.  While I was seeing someone for a half-a-moment who wanted children and I thought “Yeah, I could have a baby with him,” the way I was dismissed makes me nauseous that I ever entertained the thought – what in God’s name was I thinking?

Do they have kids? If so how many?  If they’re grown, or nearly grown that’s fine…if they’ve got three under five forget about it.  See above for having raised my own child, I certainly don’t want to raise anyone else’s.  Add to that the “you’re not my mother” business and the “baby mama drama” no thanks.

Where do they live?  I’ve been pinged by guys in Canada, Illinois, Arizona…I had a hard time seeing the guy I dated who lived 2.5 hrs away, I don’t see that type of long distance relationship working.  In fact, San Jose, San Luis Obispo and San Diego – you’re all a stretch.

I do read the profile, if there’s tons of grammar and spelling issues (I know this is a pot/kettle situation, but who am I, to not be hypocritical?) then I stop reading.

Then it’s time to check out hobbies/interests/favorite things….if they’re things I detest, that’s really a no-go; if they’re things

After all that I check out the pictures, I’ve already made my decision by that point, but it’s not going to hurt to look…is it?

Am I Funny Looking?

Why is there an abundance of interest in my profile from stand-up comics?

I did ask one if he was interested in going out with me or if I just looked like good material, he never emailed again.  Whoops…my forthright-and-often-seen-as-callous nature strikes again.

So that still begs the question: Is there just a large percentage of dating site users that are stand up comics OR am I so hilarious/sad/interesting looking that I attract stand-up comics?

One of those life mysteries that I’ll never get the answer to, I’m sure.